Oh hello good friend.
Writing content has been one of the absolute last things I want to do. I sit down to write, revise, then proceed to delete. Deleting being the issue here. Is there anything wrong with the word vomit I jot down? Absolutely not. Actually, it's something I pride myself on yet I refuse to post it for the world (or at least 2 people, hopefully) to read. Why?
I failed my first ever test in the 9th grade. Earned a flat out "F" on an Algebra exam. I was never good at Math, especially anything regarding plotting on a graph. That hasn't changed. I proceeded to fail a multitude of tests and quizzes throughout my academic career, which again, is something I can pride myself in. It may seem odd, but stick with me; each test/quiz is a lesson. That lesson being the act of retaining information, being present in class, asking for help, studying, and setting myself up for success and yet I have failed myself more than once. But what did I learn? I learned that I study best in Fenwick Library on Thursday mornings after I grab a bagel with a sorority sister. I learned that I shouldn't be taking 7:30pm classes on Monday nights. I learned that going to office hours can lead to finding a mentor who sees the best in me, even when I feel as if I am a sham.
I am proud of being a failure. Yet, am constantly chasing perfection. Do you see the issue here?
Senior year is now upon me. The time where I'm expected to have a job, a prospective husband/wife, a life plan and all of the little steps to get there. I can promise you, on 7/7/22, as I write this, I most definitely do not have any of those three things even close to completed, and that is absolutely terrifying. My mom was always the type to know what was next. Graduated high school, went to college to be a Nurse, married my father at 23, went to grad school, had kids and succeeded in her perspective job field. That worked for her. I can't even talk to a semi-attractive person without my hands getting clammy. And that works for me. (I'll keep you posted on that... the possibility of becoming a lady with 25 cats is becoming more and more realistic with every ticking second.)
But in all seriousness, I am a failure who is constantly chasing perfection. I will never be perfect in all that I do, but I am learning. And failing. And learning again. A constant cycle that keeps this life - something that is becoming more and more twisted and complex, fun.
Senior Year, I have never been less ready for anything in my entire life. But I have never been more ready for something than this.
with love,
katie